Category Archives: funny

New Years Resolution 2009

Happy New Year!!!!  Bring in the 2009!!!

So lets think about what we accomplished in 08.  Starting off with last years new years resolution.  I make one every year and 2008’s was to make myself a better person in some way.  Which I did.  I stopped sleeping around and cheating on whatever boyfriend or girlfriend I had at the time.  Found a non-destructive relationship (i always manage to find horrible people so this alone was amazing), got engaged (although to a girl so telling the family was a little more than interesting), moved out of my parents house and into our condo (welcome to paying bills and being a grownup), which we own along with two crazy but adorable and loving cats.  And wallah!!!   Ive made myself a slightly better person.  New year resolution 08?  Mission accomplished.

Of course there is a downside to all of this “better person” business.  First of all, I gained a good solid ten pounds.  Yuck.  Maybe more but i dont want to talk about it.  Ten is a reasonable number.  My clothes are tight.  I feel like i dont look cute anymore.  I feel like i cant go out and run around in a cute little tank top, jeans, and sexy stilettos like the other hot 20-somethings.  I used to go out with my friends dressed to kill and dance the night away, drunk, sexy, and skinny.  Which brings me to my next problem…

Im a hermit.  I dont leave the house.  Im too lazy to leave the house to even go tanning.  So Im not only fat but pale.  My tanning membership costs me about 50 bucks a month and i dont even use it.  I generally dont leave the house unless im going to work.  I dont want to talk to anyone, not even to order food which i seem to do all the time.  So i order online and drown my sorrows in garlic knots, calzones, and a bottle of wine.  Oh yeah, i do leave the house to go to the liquor store.  They dont do online delivery.

Did i mention i now smoke everyday? 

No, not weed.  Ciggs.

Ive pretty much let myself go.  On Tuesday i was off from work and i went to go get my hair done.  Which was a 4 hour ordeal.  My hair was sooo long it was ridiculous.  I liked it but it needed to be relayered and my bangs needed to be cut and it needed to be thinned out.  I have such thick hair i have to ask them to thin it out.  I wound up cutting off about four inches and getting some red highlights just for fun.  I mean after all, it was my big day out.  Might as well go all out and get a haircut and highlights while i stare at the hottt hairdresser for four hours that i have a huge crush on.  I probobly wont leave the house again for like a month.  lol  My hair came out great, although im only an 80% fan of the red.  Some people like it and some people dont.  I just wanted to try something different. 

Which brings me to my 2009 New Years Resolution.  Wake up, get up, and get thee to the gym.  Well kind of.  My goal is to take out the money im investing in my nonexhistant tan and put it towards a gym membership.  Hopefully i can find one that has tanning so if i do lose those “ten” pounds i can be skinny anddd tan.  Skinny and tan=hot.  At least for me.  And going to the gym involves leaving the house!  Which will hopefully drag me out of my hermit crab shell.  And if I start going to the gym then i have to stop drinking every night!  And ill have to try and stop smoking!! 

Its a lot to accomplish but i have a whole year to do it.  And its important that i begin trying to put this plan into motion soon.  Im taking a week of vacation in January but im not acctually going anywhere.  Im going to just take some time off the chill out and relax.  My second vacation week, although i havent decided when thats going to be is going to be lying on the beach somewhere exotic.  Maybe Mexico, maybe the Bahamas…who knows!  But i cannot get my fat ass into my little white bikini right now…i might blind someone.

Wish me luck!!!


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Filed under bisexual, funny, gay, lesbien, life, random

The Durga Temple Dream

So Im sick…dying sick…i think every part of me is congested and clogged and my ears keep popping every time i talk…its a nightmare.  So for new years eve I sat home doing nothing with my fiancee and we watched the ball drop together while we had sex.  🙂  Woohoo!  Well part of the reasosn we didnt do anything besides that is also because we both had work at 6am that day.  Wednesdays are inventory days and it doesnt matter if its a holiday, a sick day, a vacation day….inventory still needs to be done.  At 6am.  Every Wednesday for ever and ever.  So sick, thought not as sick as yesterday, i woke up at 530 and scrambled together some things and ran off to my resturant for 6am (yes i live close) to stand in the freezer and guestimate how many pounds of chicken tenders and boxes of quesadilla rolls i have.  Along with everything else.  lol  And then get the numbers in the computer by 10am…check my numbers, see my sales and what im missing or gaining and trouble shoot.  Until 6pm.  And trust me, by the time your done, the last thing you want to do is go out and party.

Also, I had this crazy dream the other night and i forgot to write it down.  All i remember is the end…I was in India with all these people for a wedding.  Apparently instead of staying in a hotel each person had to find a different family to stay with in this big long stretch of houses and shops along the water.  There were some breaks in the shops and houses where the building ends and there is just water between one house and the next.  To get over to the other side there were these wooden planks that made a bridge, but you had to run over them fast because they would start to sink as soon as you stepped on them.  I just remember running over one in heels and my toes were getting wet so i tried to jump the rest of the length to the other side and almost didnt make it.  We were trying to get to a boat that would take us to the Durga Temple where the wedding was going to take place…we wanted to see the wedding site.  Now i have no idea what the Durga Temple is or who was getting married in my dream.  I wish i remember more than just that…

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The “Science” of it all…

You know what i find funni…

Most men are facinated by the notion of two women kissing…namley two extremely hot women.  Well acctually that equally facinates me but that because im bisexual.  lol  But what i find funni is that if you ask them about “real life” lesbiens, they will almost always tell you that every one of them that they have met has either been fat or ugly.  Or at least thats been my personal expirience.

Im not sure why most people have the perception that most lesbiens are on the ugly side.  Most people are very surpirised to find out that im with a girl…Im tall with long dark hair and hazel eyes, very girly, been told im attractive…my girlfriend/fiancee has long blonde hair and brown eyes however people arent so surprised that she is and some people can even tell upon meeting her because she loves sports, plays softball (staple lesbien thing right there) and some of her mannerisms are on the manly side…like the way she sits in a chair sometimes, how obsessive she is about her mustang, and just the way that she carries herself.  But people are stil very facinated when they find out that we are together.  And it works out to our advantage at times as well!  Weve gotten free hotdogs sent to our seats at Yankee Stadium from oogling men and free drinks at the bar…yup…sometimes its a pretty sweet deal. 

So then why the steriotype? 

I guess because there are alot of lesbiens that feel more comfortable with all their hair cut off and in boys clothes and such trying to compensate for all the extra testostorone flowing through their body.  lol  And ive acctually seen some very cute girls with short hair…although i prefer long hair.  I mean look at Portia de Rossi!  Shes very attaractive!!!!  Or Tila Tequila and her show A Shot at Love!!!

Portia De Rossi

Portia De Rossi


Tila Tequila

Tila Tequila


And then theres the question of if you are a girl, why would you be with a girl that looks like a guy…why not just be with a guy.  ITS DIFFERENT.  A.  maybe they just dont like penis and it doesnt turn them on…and…B. a relationship with a women is different.  Its deeper and more emotional…its on a totally different level once you become that close to another woman.  Its indescribable.

Thats really the only way to explain the “science”.  If thats what one should call it.

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Filed under bisexual, funny, gay, lesbien, life, random


asleep and dreaming...

asleep and dreaming...




I woke up a little ago with every intention of getting up, going to the bank, going tanning…and thus far none of that has happened.  Ive sat here on my laptop drinking a cup of hazelnut coffee, trying to motivate myself enough to at least get my lazy ass off of the couch and straighten up the house which has been a disaster for the past two days…  I really should considering my fiancee has been at work since 6am, meaning she had to leave the house at 5, meaning she had to wake up around 4…and i dont have to be at work until 3pm…i dont want her to have to come home and start cleaning however i cant seem to make myself move.

Maybe its because im thinking too much…maybe its because i havent been able to motivate myself in about 2 months…maybe its because im crazy….maybe its because i drink too much…maybe its because im lazy…and then again maybe its because i know im off tomorrow and i know i can just do it then. 

Maybe i need a vacation. 

I love living in Lawrencville but latley i feel like all my condo is good for is sucking the life out me…and the moisture out of me (i think from having the heat on its making me extra dry).  I was sooo excited to move out…i was going to clean and vaccume daily, start running again, decorate my house and do fun little household projects bought from Michaels, start cooking…

So far i have yet to really jump on that bandwagon and ive been here for about 6 months.  I think i held my expectations too high.  I mean realistically, for me, going ahead and doing all of those things would be a major life change.  When i lived at my parents house i guess i was a little more motivated because A. In the winter my parents kept the house at a frigid 55 degrees…i would wake up with little icicles in my nose and mouth…and…B. I would do anything to not be in the house with my annoying parents which resulted in me going out and partying my ass off everynight.  Which, now that im not doing all that made me gain weight, because im not out dancing off all the food i ate during the day at night and made me lazier, because now i can sit in my warm condo all day and night with my two cats and not be bothered.

But i want to change my life.  I want to change my bad habits.  I want to get motiavted to run everyday or at least walk and go tanning all the time like i used to and feel good about myself and do things that will make me feel good…but i CANT.  Im stuck in this funk.  Its very annoying.  So until i can rip myself out of it, im stuck here, lazy and bloated on my couch, usually with a bottle of wine…



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Books You Wouldnt Want Your Children Reading

Mommy Likes Box


Who's Baby Is It



Horton Hires a Hoe



Learn to Pimp



My First Rave



Padddington Gets Tanked

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Filed under funny